


What doesn't make sense unless you want it to?

by LePipi



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, saucy riddle flirtship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 08:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8743039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LePipi/pseuds/LePipi
Summary: The banana-peel blowfish murder (or as some like to call it the scrunchy balloon animal homicide) takes a turn for the absurd.





	

It was a day as any other in Gotham city. A person was found strangled with a banana peel, stabbed with a blowfish, suffocated with a balloon animal (found still inflated in the victims stomach), burned with an ice pick, hanged with a scrunchy on a lamp post. All one victim.

So now that they had a list of all the awful that happened (and more to come) it was time to determine which came first: the banana or the blowfish?

Nygma was having a ball with it.

So, Jim and Harvey waited him out. After a while of ‘oh, this is amazing, oh jeepers, what a mind, what humour!’ they both had enough and went to stew on the steps outside. And have a banana or two. Energy food, as Harvey insisted.

“Hey, there goes my namesake. Harvey!”

Dent was walking the other side, flipping his coin. It was his thing.

“Bullock!”

“Harvey!”

“And Gordon!”

“And Harvey!”

“You wont stop till I say your name, wont you?”

“That’s right, Harvey.”

“Alright. Harvey.”

“There we go! Two Harveys! There’s gotta be something poetic here, something… some kinda subliminal message or-“

“Alright, Harvey.” Jim decided to cut him short, because this really wasn’t the time for more asscrackery. Plus, Dent was here. He was always a good sight.

“So what’s got my two favourite detectives squatting on the sidewalk?” Dent had such a preppy way about him, it made you feel cleansed just hearing him talk.

“Banana-blowfish murder.”

“I prefer to call it the scrunchy balloon animal homicide.” Bullock offered his insight.

“Actually it was an ice pick burn that did it!” Nygma showed up as he usually did, silently and behind you.

“How’d you figure that out word-diddler.” Bullock.

“You mean riddler.” Nygma voiced hopefully with a note of terror.

“I know what I said.” The terror took over.

But he brushed it aside as he usually did.

“Ok, so, what asks but never answers?” With riddles.

“What?”

“A victim! Because a dead person who was killed wants answers de facto, yet cannot speak, because they’re dead!”

“What’s that got to do with the burn victim?”

“Everything! Which is nothing! The only answer I can give you to my assessment is that the ice picker the single most lethal mode of murder weapon used in this particular case. I used blind logic.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“That actually makes sense, Harvey.” Jim decided to join detectiving.

“It does. Nice to meet you sir.” The handsome Harvey took over the conversation.

And extended his hand to Nygma.

“Oh, sir, no need for- here, nice to meet you as well, mister?” He giggled, cackled a bit, put a hand to his cheek and did a little turn, and finally extended his hand in greeting to the lawyer.

“Harvey. Dent.” Who actually smiled casually and sincerely.

“Oh, my, I didn’t realize I would be meeting Gotham’s patron saint of law! Would have prepped up, cleaned this blood off.” Nygma fawned, while Jim visibly cringed.

“Shows at least someone is working here, mister Nygma, was it?” Dent was actually rolling with it, to Jim’s utter betrayal.

“It was and is! Now tell me sir, what do you get a lawyer for his birthday?” Oh god, he was at it again, no hope now.

“What!” Dent was beaming! And still holding onto his hand!

“Briefs!” And they both laughed! Dent with his warm husky chuckle and Nygma with his nervous flickering cackle.

“So you’re the riddles guy?”

Nygma shied away, but Dent took his hand close to his chest, and just what the actual fuck.

“What the actual fuck?” It said something that Bullock was the voice of sanity here.

“I do have an affinity for them.”

“An affinity? Alright. So what’s most useful when it’s long and hard?”

Bullock spasmed.

“An education. Though I’d argue that it’s the single most useless endeavor I’ve accomplished in my life-“

But Dent took a step forward, hands still clasped around Nygma’s.

“What’s white, gooey, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?”

“Toothpase…” Nygma was visibly melting.

“You wouldn’t argue the last point?” Dent smirked oh so saucily.

But Nygma was having a good day as it proved to be.

“Some people prefer being on top, others prefer being on the bottom, and it always involves a bed. What am I?”

“A bunk-bed”

But before Nygma could start patronizingly oooh-ing Dent picked it up.

“When I go in, I can cause some pain. I’ll fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit, and not swallow. What am I?”

“Your dick.”

“Arrest them Gordon!” But not even Bullock could stop the nightmare.

“The answer is your dentist.”

“I know.”

And Dent grabbed Nygma by the waist pulled him against, dipped him low on the steps and bent to kiss the life out of their wannabe-mortician.

Bullock started seizing, while Gordon released a single man-tear.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The answer is this fic! :')


End file.
